I’m in my very very late 20s, and can be hilarious, dignified, meaningful, respectful and/or fun. I have suits in literally every colour and others in weird and wonderful patterns if you want to have a bit of fun with things. I keep my rates more affordable than the average because I have a good time with it, and offer package discounts for Divorce Ceremonies taken before your Silver Anniversary. After that they’re just free because you’d deserve a break.

I’m a life celebrant, so you could keep me around to name your first child, renew your vows and bury your partner after they forget to rinse their plate one too many times. Think of me as that uncle that left your auntie to go find himself in Europe but manages to still appear uninvited to every event in your life.

As a strapping young lad, I’m good with computers and those smart phones that all the youngsters play on. If you need to live-stream the ceremony to that auntie’s new partner who lives in India but is working quickly towards permanent residency, I’ve got the Zoom account that lets you have meetings over 40 minutes… I’ll hook you up…

It’s a shame that it is still a line that we have to add to clarify, but I don’t mind how many appendages – or lack thereof – that you and your partner have between you, nor do I care which god you pray to when someone is looking at a couple of photos in your camera roll but swiping a little too quick. As long as it’s legal, I’m keen!

Congrats on popping the question, or, more likely, congrats on saying ‘yes’ to the question… C’mon… we all know who’s doing the hard work for this wedding. Let me take some of it off your hands.

* This is an entirely made up statistic, and while I’m more of a dog person, I’ve met a heap of retired female celebrants. They’re all amazing and taught me everything I know about getting you hitched, but I wanted a smart-arse heading…